A Valued Compliment

I'm pretty used to getting compliments that aren't really compliments. Backhanded compliments like "You are too pretty to be in a wheelchair" (what does using a wheelchair have to do with attractiveness?) or "It's really great you are able to be independent"(why would you assume I wouldn't be independent?). Compliments that would be ridiculous if they were turned around and said to able-bodied people (which I have been known to do):

"You are really good at navigating your wheelchair through tight spaces" ("Thanks, I was just noticing how nicely you avoided that display back there too. You are really good at using your legs to turn your body in different directions.")

"Your arms are really strong from pushing around all day." ("Your legs must be really strong from walking up all those steps.")

"It's so great you can do so many things on your own." ("You know, I was just thinking the same thing about you!")

When I give these "compliments" back to able-bodied folks it usually catches them off guard. It turns the tables and (hopefully) makes folks think about what they said and consider if the compliment they gave was really justified. Sometimes it just confuses them but I like to think I may have planted a seed about disability being a normal part of life. That maybe they might start to think of me as a regular person doing regular things- from a wheelchair. That I don't need a compliment or cheerleading for doing a normal, mundane task.

But I distinctly remember one day when I got a compliment that stood out as an actual compliment.

Me with my box piled high

I was at the grocery store buying groceries. Since pushing a cart isn't practical, my strategy is to use a big box on my lap to hold my purchases. I've gotten pretty good at piling my box high with what I need/want to buy. It's almost a point of pride to see how high I can pile my box and still see over the top.

That day I'd already gotten a few empty platitudes about my presence in the store being inspirational when a man came by and said "I'm impressed with your system- looks like it works well". That was it. Nothing major, but it stood out to me because he was complimenting me on my creativity and problem-solving. He was complimenting me on something I put some time and effort into; something I am proud of figuring out. It might have been a little thing but it meant a lot.

So, next time you think about complimenting a person with a disability, please make sure you aren't complimenting us on our existence or ability to do ordinary everyday things. If you aren't sure, think about how you might feel if someone gave you the compliment you are thinking of giving. There are lots of options most of us would gladly accept: compliments on our creativity, style, kindness, hard work, adaptability, perseverance etc. Feel free to practice on my and I'll be happy to give you feedback! :)