Listen to Me!

Living with a disability comes with certain challenges but usually the biggest challenges come from people's reaction to your disability. One of the reactions that irritates me to no end is when people don't see me as a person capable of making my own decisions or insist on ignoring or arguing with a decisions I have made. People don't understand that by insisting on what they think is best they are disrespecting my right to choose and make my own decisions.

I don't mind getting asked if I need help but what I do mind  (a lot) is when people don't listen to my answer of no and insist on helping anyway. When I give presentations or trainings about working with people with disabilities the question about whether or not to ask someone for help often comes up. I explain everyone will have their own answer but my answer tends to be Why are you asking? If you see someone looking lost or struggling to pick something up- disability or not- would you ask if they need assistance? If yes, feel free to ask a person with a disability. But if you are asking someone simply because you see they have a disability and automatically assume they need help them you probably need to rethink your motivation. But the thing I always stress is that if you ask someone if they want/need help, listen to their answer! If they say "no", go on your way. Respect them and their expertise of what they can and can't do and move on.

The place I run into this issue the most is when I travel. I recently came home for Thanksgiving which involves flying. There are a couple of instances where I can pretty much count on being ignored and overruled on the help issue and it makes me feel angry and powerless each time. I realize that many of the employees don't have training about working with people with disabilities and I try to be understanding and provide education as best I can. Most of them are good at asking questions- but are usually really bad about listening to the answers.

Flying as a wheelchair user is a hassle and requires you to depend on others to get on and off the plane. I get to pre-board the plane so I go down the jet bridge first. Then I transfer to an aisle chair that will be pushed onto the plan to get me to my seat. Employees usually ask what assistance I need to transfer from my wheelchair to the aisle chair and I always say "none". Sometimes they listen and stand back and let me transfer my own way, other times they try to grab my arms to "help" me. Imagine having someone grab your legs as you go upstairs- not only unhelpful but actually dangerous. Same for me when you grab my arms when I am transferring. One thing that has helped is saying "I self-transfer" is language they seem to understand. Thank goodness!

Another problem area is going up the jetbridge when I get off the plane. The jet bridge is usually uphill going from the plane to the airport and it can be pretty steep. However, after sitting on a plane I don't mind some exercise so I always try to tackle it myself. I'd say 9 times out of 10 someone asks me if I need help, I say "no" and they start pushing me anyway. Even when I insist I don't want their help they continue to push me. Imagine someone grabbing your arm and physically dragging you somewhere all the while insisting that they stop. It makes you feel very powerless and vulnerable. I know people have good intentions but that doesn't make it ok. Several times I have said to the unknown person behind me "It is very rude to touch me without my permission" or "I am telling you to stop, please let go". Unfortunately, people usually feel offended because they "were only trying to help" and they don't understand how much they have disrespected me by not listening to me. Then I feel like I am the angry wheelchair person instead of someone who is simply asking to be respected and taken seriously. The other option is to shut up and submit to their "help" which makes me feel defeated and disrespected- not really a great option either.

The other area where I tend to get overruled is navigating inside the airport. I often get asked if I need help finding my way to my gate and unless I am in a hurry I prefer to find it myself. So I say "no" and then often have someone way "No, it's ok, I will take you there". I don't know if their insistence is because they want a tip, think I can't manage on my own, or are expected to be overly helpful but in any case I don't like it. My usual strategy is to duck into the first bathroom I see or don't even stop long enough to answer their questions and just keep going. It feels rude at times but not any ruder than being stuck with someone who insists on giving you help you don't want.

Hopefully this hasn't ready like one big complaint but more of an explanation of why it is important to listen. I don't ever want to discourage someone from offering help but I do want everyone to listen to and respect the answer that is given. Don't take away my choice and don't disrespect my decision. If I need help I will gratefully accept it. If I don't, I may thank you for asking and move on. And I would like to ask you to do the same. I am not your good deed of the day. I am a person who deserves respect and can make my own decisions.